My DEI Story: A DEI Committee Member

My DEI Story

By a DEI Committee Member wishing to remain anonymous

It took a long time to start writing this piece. I couldn’t figure out how to share my DEI story without threatening the professional exterior that I’ve cultivated so carefully.

In the end, I decided to leave this piece unsigned because anonymity creates a safe space in which I can be honest. My honesty, even if it is transmitted from behind a curtain, may help someone feel less alone or give someone insight into a co-worker’s experience. Maybe this will inspire someone to share their own struggle in the workplace. Maybe it will help me to do the same.

I am a woman of color with ADHD. At least half of that equation doesn’t really fly in most corporate settings, no matter how much the company values DEI. There’s so much at stake—my reputation, my livelihood, how I see myself. In my mind, I can have ADHD, but I can’t be ADHD, at least not between 9-5.

For many people, including myself, ADHD is coupled with perfectionism, born out of a need to escape feelings of shame and to keep our internal challenges from being discovered. My ADHD makes writing this piece (and completing this piece) a test of my self-worth. My mind works differently, and even when I am proactive in managing my ADHD, my symptoms can lead me away, not towards achieving my ambitions.

Yes, I can be creative, passionate, and inspired, but all that comes with a very high price. When I wake up, I don’t know if I am primed to soar or if I will have to fight exhausting, demoralizing symptoms that day. On “bad” days I spend considerable time and energy pushing past my symptoms, reminding myself to use systems such as time tracking, repeated reading of my notes, peer support, and medication to keep me focused and moving forward. At times, I fight so hard during the workday that I struggle to be present and engaged with my family.

I’m fortunate to work in a progressive, inclusive company. I serve on a company DEI council where I can help create a more inclusive workplace for people with seen or unseen disabilities. I have co-workers who are open about their mental health challenges and other “invisible” issues. But I don’t share my disability. I think it could make some people who don’t understand this disorder believe that I am less competent. Once shared, there’s no unsharing that disclosure and that scares me.

Most of this thinking comes from inside, fed by a lifetime of giving my failures and ADHD symptoms so much more power than my successes. Even if it is untrue, I often think that I am just one symptom-filled day away from really messing up my career.

But I’m fighting this with my own personal, internal DEI initiative. I have become more accepting of my ADHD. I’ve learned to create accommodations for myself. I practice mindfulness and self-care. I try to be as compassionate and supportive of myself as my colleagues would be if I disclosed.

I am grateful for safe and inspiring spaces like the one offered by WGR’s DEI Committee. It takes courage to create and maintain a space where deeply felt issues are shared and where people like me can continue to grow. Thank you, WGR, for your DEI commitment.

The WGR “My DEI Story” Blogs are featured monthly, highlighting the story of a DEI Committee member or supporting ally. These blogs are designed to shine a light on the amazing diversity that exists within our community, and to recognize that EVERYONE has a DEI Story. Interested in having your story featured? Please send an email to dei.wgr@gmail.com.